Today, she's four.

Four years ago, at this moment, I was 27 hours into labor. I had hit a point of despair and although nobody in the room would say it, the likelihood that things were going to end up the way I had hoped, was starting to dwindle. I needed to escape, to focus on the positive. I tried to remind myself that I was going to see her soon. I tried to picture who she would be. And all I could see was eyes.

I labored. I fought. Late into the afternoon, she was here. My body exhausted, my heart overwhelmed. I held her close, wiped my tears and took her in. And all I could see was eyes.

I knew those eyes. They were my family's eyes. When her daddy was across the world and life was scary and uncertain, I would try to picture the life we would build when he came home. I pictured this life. I pictured those eyes.

Four years later and I know the girl behind those eyes. She is sensitive, gentle and kind but with a wild streak that makes life both exciting and exhausting. She is fearless, confident and bold. She has the most insightful and often, hilarious, things to say and quite frankly, she's possibly the most interesting person I know. Any time I try to predict her path, her interests, she reminds me that she is her own person. She is artistic, dramatic, and wears her heart on her sleeve. The people in her life are incredibly important to her and she loves them with reckless abandonment. She's taught me that living life with an open heart and vulnerability, is the only way to live. She brings joy into our lives on even our toughest days and I'm convinced that the most beautiful sight in the world is her standing at the top of the stairs each morning with her princess PJ's and wild hair.

She is more than I ever could have wished for.

I'm going to skip over the fact that my last post on this blog was for Claire's birthday shoot and give my full attention to the fact that my boy is now one. One. You read that right. A one year old. There is no denying that we had a rough start but as I hold my boy in my arms, feel his chubby cheek against mine and take in this perfect little person that I get to spend my days with, I know two things. One, the hard part is behind us. And two, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. My little red-headed life lesson in learning to let go, in order to hold on to what's important. He's rocked our world in the best possible way and made our family whole (third Hawes baby pushers, hold your tongues!).

He is so similar to Claire but so different at the same time. He'll barrel up the stairs, get to the top and slam the gate open and closed while hollering at the top of his lungs. Then a moment later, reach up and ask to be snuggled. He loves his family and the friend in our lives but he is definitely still mama's boy. So many of my friends told me "boys love their moms". I thought, "well of course they do. So do girls." But now I get it. He loves his mom in the most suffocatingly beautiful way ;) He is ridiculously easy to get a smile out of and is equally quick to bust out a belly laugh. He loves his sister more than I ever could've hoped he would (it's mutual) but often reminds her that she is not his boss. He is silly to the core but with a hot little temper that he reserves for only the most serious offenses (having to be buckled in the car seat, getting dressed in actual clothes, or being stopped from climbing anything and everything).

I love him more than I could ever explain. He's my boy and I'm his mama. It's simple.

Since a December baby is the gift that just keeps giving (or the complete opposite of that) I now realize that I will not only be planning a post Christmas Birthday party every year, but I'll also be doing a birthday photoshoot in the dead of winter. Who planned this? Oh wait, that was me.
A few days after Holden's birthday, we had a window of semi-not freezing weather and no rain. Since that's about all I can ask for this time of year, we threw our stuff in the car and headed to the park for his pictures. We had a good 10 minutes of a happy boy before he realized that it was actually cold out, it's tough to walk on uneven ground, and that pinecones don't taste as good as they look.  Luckily he's pretty darn cute so we wrapped it up and called it a win :)

In a blink of an eye, my girl turned three. Three going on fourteen. One look into her firey little newborn eyes and I could've predicted exactly who my girl could be at three. The perfect combination of love meets strength. My girl will stage a fearsome living room battle (sword and all - thanks to Uncle Kevin's brilliant birthday gift) in one second and then run over to her baby brother, cradle him in her arms and give him a gentle kiss in the next. Her endless supply of energy and lust for life is both exhausting (in a good way) and infectious. We were happy people before she came along but now I know that life with Claire, is the only way to live.

In honor of my girl's birthday we went up to the spot where my mom grew up for a little shoot. My mom picked a flower from her mother's camellia shrub and the rest is photo history. Did I mention that she's gorgeous? It sounds strange but there are so many parts to her that I admire, that I sometimes forget this about her. Luckily, I get plenty of reminders :)